It’s been reported today that America’s Queen© Oprah Winfrey has not been invited to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes‘ wedding in Rome. We’re not sure why this is such a revelation — perhaps in some cultures jumping on one’s couch is a symbol of everlasting loyalty and friendship — but it doesn’t seem like Oprah minds all that much. In fact, she appears much more perturbed about what to give to the happy couple as a wedding gift! Well, fear not, Oprah. We’ve put together a handy little gift-giving guide for you that will make both Tom and Katie smile like the day they became contractually obligated to love one another.
1. Cuddle Chimp. Double your Suri’s for only $24.99! Katie will certainly appreciate the gesture, as Suri will have hours of quiet fun playing with the toy in her air-tight isolation chamber. Most little tykes give this toy a 10 on their e-meter — entertainment meter, that is!
The list continues after the jump!
2. A Private Island. The perfect way for any family on the run to spend some much needed alone time with one another. And for only $6.3 million dollars, the happy couple will appreciate the thoughtfulness you put into their staggeringly quiet, lonely, empty, loveless gift.
3. A Thetan Catcher. We know what you’re thinking: “But thetan catcher’s only cost about $7.99 on almost any Indian reservation!” Not when they’re made out of threaded platinum, ostrich leather, orphan hair and sasquatch feathers they don’t.
4. Peter Petrie Egg Separator. Katie will never grow tired of Tom’s incessant non-stop hysterical laughter in the kitchen with this little gadget. Crack the egg in the top, and watch as the whites ooze out of the nostrils. Show them your crazy side, Oprah!
5. Ghostbusters Brand Ghost Trap. We’re not sure if the ghost trap from the hit 80′s movie Ghostbusters can also trap dead alien spirits attached to one’s body, but it never hurts to try.
6. Beard Comb. In case Tom ever grows one. Or when Katie gets a tangle.
7. Barney’s New York. A no-brainer. If you buy the girl the entire store, she’ll never have to go home. Barney’s will close when Katie says it closes, you got it? Now outta my store, Oprah.
8. An Oscar. Because it doesn’t look like Katie will be getting one anytime soon. And Tom like, really really wants one.
9. A Sex Swing. This is really more of a gift to little Suri, but thoughful none-the-less.
