With Daniel Baldwin out there getting himself arrested for the highest game of Grand Theft Auto anyone has ever played, it is now more important than ever to make sure we all know which of Hollywood’s Baldwin Dynasty we’re dealing with, as to ensure the less criminal brothers avoid suffering any unnecessary disgrace (beyond that which they already bring upon themselves in the course of their day). This handy guide should be printed and kept on your person at all times:
Name: Daniel Baldwin
As Seen In: The Real Deal, Vegas Vamps, Irish Eyes, Prison
Best Known For: His small roles in late-night Cinemax movies, drug problems and constantly disgracing the sacred Baldwin name.
Can Probably Be Found: Tooling around the Valley in a stolen car, flying high on crystal meth, looking for some guy he’s convinced “owes him”.
Fun Fact: Is the only one of the four Baldwin brothers to not receive a Razzie nomination. He did, however, receive bail in the amount of $20,000.
Name: Alec Baldwin
As Seen In: Beetlejuice, Glengarry Glen Ross, The Cooler and every single film and television program made in the past 2 years.
Best Known For: His ever-expanding good looks, liberal politics, hilarious portrayal of smug authority figures, and porking Kim Basinger.
Can Probably Be Found: On television, right now.
Fun Fact: His warm, highly-recognizable voice actually smells like smoldering chicory.
Name: Stephen Baldwin
As Seen In: The Usual Suspects, Bio-Dome, “Christian Ministry Videos” in which he informs viewers who is and isn’t going to hell.
Best Known For: Finding a way to somehow make his public image even more ridiculous than it was at the time of Bio-Dome’s release.
Can Probably Be Found: Rolling down the street in his pimped out Godmobile U-Haul, smoking hot on fire for Christ, sippin’ on Jesus Juice, laaaaaid back – with his mind on your money and your money on his mind.
Fun Fact: Once claimed, “Bono would do far more good if he just preached the gospel of Jesus rather than trying to get rid of Third World debt relief”.
Name: William Baldwin
As Seen In: Backdraft, Sliver, Fair Game, the Unemployment Line
Best Known For: Being the Baldwin brother who’s handled having a career less successful than Alec’s with a modicum of dignity.
Can Probably Be Found: Trying, yet again, to convince Alec to join him in a “Big Brother/Little Brother Lookalike Contest”.
Fun Fact: Actually said, “You know what sucks about being a Baldwin? Absolutely nothing!”
