Somebody call Dateline’s Chris Hansen, because it sounds like we need to catch a predator! Rod Stewart recently told Blender magazine that he would have diddled his daughter Kimberly’s friend Paris Hilton back when he first laid eyes on her, when she was a not-quite-ripe 14 years of age. Here’s what he said (steel your stomachs):

“She was very attractive then… I happened to notice. She would have definitely fallen into the right parameters.”

After you finish pondering exactly what “parameters” could possibly be “right” for a leathery, wart-covered old rocker to engage in coital activities with his teenage daughter’s BFF, consider the possibility that this seemingly small revelation could actually be the missing link we’ve all been searching for, finally explaining the mysterious phenomenon of Paris Hilton’s insatiable libido. Could it all really be traced back to an unseemly incident during a sleepover party at the Stewart home in which Rod, having had twelve scotches too many, did some midnight marauding with Paris on the bottom bunk bed whilst his daughter unknowingly slept only a few feet above? That mental image alone is enough to make us want to forgive Paris just a little bit.